Day 14: I Belong!

This morning I went to a yoga class I hadn’t been to in a while. That’s me, slipping in and out of things – alarming! Seriously, I ask myself, why do I get into things and then back away? I was even tempted to start all over – find another, better class; another, better teacher. But somehow, it all comes back to me. What am I so afraid of? That they won’t like me? That I won’t like them?

Are there really any better “anybodies” out there?…

I took a course last summer that changed my life – the Feminine Power series, with Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit. I learned we women need to belong; we need to feel we are an integral part of something and that our contribution matters.  And our way of stopping that is to over-do and try to please others, while “sabotagingly” (yes, I invent words) neglecting our own needs, wishes, desires. Our own Power.  There are many ways this shows up:  perfectionism, fear of failure, wanting to be loved but pushing other people away ( “reject them first”), working too hard or hiding behind work (“maybe I’ll get promoted and then they’ll like me”); hiding behind other people who know more than we do; pretending to like things we don’t just to fit in; and sacrificing ourselves as a whole.  It doesn’t matter what it is; I saw “me” looking back at myself – backing away from things, from people, from life.  A lot of it, disturbingly, spoke to me.

The solution is obvious but alarmingly overlooked: there is nowhere else and nobody else to go but within my own self, to talk to that troubled girl and help her find her balance again. Her strength. We learned to make power statements that spoke to this deepest part, to stand in the strength of our best internal instincts – our fierce protection of what matters, just as we would protect a child. The part that cries “No!” or “Yes!” without any hesitation at all.  Or my way of saying it:

The Lioness in Us Will Never Lay Down

I Belong. I am an integral part of Life. I have a right to be here. My contribution matters. I matter. I am a unique, perfect and absolutely irreplaceable part of the Universe. I cannot be annihilated or forgotten. I Belong! Damnit!

So, today, as I walked back into that class, I hesitated at the door and said these simple words to myself first: “I Belong.” I breathed in and imaged all the pleasant faces I would encounter, and the energy I would have.  This is what I heard and saw upon entering:  my previous teacher sitting pleasantly with some others in a colourful room brightly lit, cheerful music playing, sunny smiles abounding, and her eyes happily lit:

“KRISTA!!!…. Oooh, Where have you been?!!…..”  (Her hands sweetly hugging her chest)… “We MISSED YOU!!!….”

I will never, never do that again. Assume I don’t belong. Or that they don’t want me.  I was wrong. Beyond wrong – because I missed out on their life, and they missed out on mine. I realized through their eyes, their smiles, how dynamic I was, how much I brought to them.

Whether you know it or not, whether people tell you or not, you are needed in this universe of things. I no longer seek another, better universe to belong to.  I Belong now. I’ll take this one, and – whether it pats me on the back or not – this one is more than happy to take me.

Remember Mr. Percival Singing? I Belong!!

YES!!

Day 10: Anxiety and The Chorus of Dreams (Sing!)

I’m not sure what to call it:  this inexplicable feeling of unease, at times wafting through me unawares. I am going about my business, preparing for my daughter’s Brownie graduation, actually sewing (yes, me!) the final badges she’s received onto the veritable Brownie sash on the very last possible night – to be seen for all of 15 minutes in the briefest of ceremonies. (But the kids had fun.)

So what is this wafting sense of alarm as I am riding in the car? Or walking down the street? The birds are singing their usual chorus, I am walking to the beat, while the dog is running straight ahead.  Maybe it’s something like a bad dream that wakes you up in the middle of the most perfect summer night… There is no explaining it. We can try.

But it all comes down to this:  Does it really matter what fear is for? Does it really matter why we are afraid? Why we wake up in alarm, when there is no clear or present danger?  Maybe it is a signal from above, or from below. Maybe it is the carrier of change in the breeze.  The train coming at us, or for us, or the one we are riding on – it is all the same.  Some danger can be avoided; most is just our resistance to what lies ahead. Is it a cliff?  A drop-off point?  Or, the point of no return? Isn’t that…  a good thing?

Sometimes I am grateful for the sound of an alarm bell going off, when I really have to go.  And sometimes, it is best to bang the damn thing off and go back to sleep, lulling in the morning air and that faint and tasty dream; dispelling all rumours of noise and forgotten slings and arrows. It’s time to put our swords down – our impulse to protect and defend everything.  It’s time to Sing.

I find myself singing all the time lately…  Not professionally, though that was extraordinarily fun to sing in front of a live audience (and get paid!).  No, it is just as much fun, beyond fun – downright Joyous ! – to sing out loud in the midst of a chaotic front the world puts on.  All its soldiers lined up, coffee cups stained with resistant defense against the dawn.  No, this is the time to move on.  Move on, my friends, move on.  Join the choir of song that is sounding out loud in the  morning, even if you are still luxuriating in your treetop bed of surprises.  As I lay there, I think of what I am grateful for, even if I still feel a bit of distrust.

To join the day, unaware of what lies ahead, to join Life, not knowing what it or I shall bring, breeds excitement, not danger; is reason for celebration, not anxiety (or a host of other unsightly things). And maybe the pulse that beats in my heart (and in my eardrums) is not one of anxiety, but of Life itself calling me to Sing!

Mr. Percival and Babe sing! by John Frederick White

Sing! my friends, sing!  Though there be clear and present danger all about, Sing! Because the world needs You, Your voice, Your calling, Your sound!

The sound only You can make.