Day 28: Grace Gave Me Goosebumps

My friend Stacey’s comment today about Day 27  giving her “goosebumps” created a moment of Grace for both of us. I felt them too!  Thank you, Stacey.  And ah, Grace, You are always so good to me...

For the past several years I have been working on a project that I thought would never end. My creative partner and I were both tired, weary and confused as to how we would ever pull it off.  But we both knew it was worth it.  No matter how much I complained or avoided, my sense of responsibility to something greater than my bad attitude, prevailed.

I am now sitting on the precipice of something wonderful. I can just feel it. No more doubts hinder my ability to see what is worthy, what is good. I can feel the importance of what I am doing.  I seem self-motivated, or perhaps held up by something stronger than my own will.  The idea that what I am doing is ‘shared’ and not just my own is critical. It’s for everybody. It’s beyond egos and tidal waves. It’s pure. It’s a miracle.

Grace got us here.

I can’t tell you yet, but I will soon. I will require your support, and we will love your responses.

As my ’30 days of miracles’ comes to a close, I hope you will join me for my next adventure.  I somehow know you will! 

I can’t wait to keep growing, expanding, connecting, giving, rising up and discovering what I was born to do.

May Grace give you goosebumps, too!

Amen!

Day 21: The Miracle is You

I mean that literally. The Miracle is You. I’m not being generic or metaphoric or universal in any way. For the first time, I really get it.

I sang through the weekend doing the birthday thing, kids running amok, appreciating my family, getting uptight and nervous about the quantity of young guests, the unanticipated sleepover, the never-ending hangover of more guests on Sunday. The joy of an unusual full family dinner.

Now, as I swing back to my beloved friends of this blogging world, I get this sudden feeling of  connectivity, reciprocity, understanding…

This is not just about me. This is about You. The miracle that happens to me is the same miracle that happens to you. What I write, you also live. What you live, I somehow write. How does this happen? How does this miracle happen to us both at the same time, echoing each other? You may think, How did you know that? How did you say exactly how I was feeling at this moment in time? How did you say it just like that so that it sung to my heart, spoke from my true understanding, something I hadn’t even put into words before? This is all new to me too.

All I know is, I am doing this with you…

It is a chorus, a harmony, an absolute symphony. I love to write, and you hear my voice. But you don’t just hear me, you hear You! This is bizarre. Amazing. I am singing your song as much as I am singing mine. Maybe we are singing the same song!

I am honoured to be the one putting down the words because it is easy for  me. As Lady GaGa says, “I was born this way!” But maybe for the one who is tongue-tied or whose heart is torn apart, and can’t even begin to know how to express ‘that’, I am their God-send. Literally. That is not arrogant. As Marianne Williamson says echoing A Course in Miracles, it is not arrogant to recognize your God-given talents and use them. It is humble to witness their impact, to see God’s work at hand. To fall down on your knees and say, Thank you for using me at last!

Thank you.

Thank You for being here, for listening, for understanding, for being, for responding. Thank you for singing your chorus, your harmony. Your wave of passion, happiness, devotion.  I love our evolving collaboration, our co-witnessing each other, our evolutionary striving for something greater. An awakening of seismic proportions. Beyond Katerina, Beyond tragedy. This is the response to all of that. This is the Hope. The Dream. The Great Call to Freedom at last! This isn’t about race, sex, age or religion. This transcends all borders and boundaries we ever thought we had. This is Love itself calling to our own Selves. We are recognizing ourselves in each other’s greatness. We are witnessing the possibility of what we can be together.  Supporting each other in the Climb that has  nothing to do with ceilings or enemies or friends. This is wider, deeper, faster and more incredible than anything we ever thought we were or had. This is the mountain without peak, the river without end…

Dear God, make us Great. Make us tall. Make us realize our own potential in each other’s eyes. Let us witness and make a pact: Never again will we act small, pretend we don’t know anything. Hide in the branches of our own greatness, only to swing when we are alone. Let us join our hands. Clasp on for dear life. Let’s sing our hearts out in this, our Collective Song.

There’s no denying when you’ve heard the Call.

There’s no denying when a Miracle is born.

Thank you, God for hearing mine.

Amen.

Day 19: Gratitude, My Tiny Listless Friend

beloved*

This is what came to me while silencing the creeping need to fret away the time…  a moment of grace in a busy day.

GRATITUDE

I am exposed

Half  hairs showing

Fingernails too long

Guff and scarred

But still growing

I am not a mystic warrior

With supporters beckoning from behind

I need to assert myself

Delve in

Not mistake countenance

for sustenance

 Not for a moment forsake

The purpose I am here.

 I need to keep going

Offering up

Hands bent back and afraid

– And  yet –

The frightened stares of my intellect

Are no match

For my tiny, listless Friend.

Why is this called gratitude? It occurred to me too. A little strange, but somehow true. All that chaotic intellect shining and getting in the way; all the competing voices yelling this way – no, that-a-way! All the uncertainties with puffed chest standing in the way…

And yet, this voice comes. This voice that tells you no, not that way.  You are here for a reason. All this will go away. Keep writing. Keep going, though your neck be too long, or your will not that strong. Keep fighting past the insecurities that time throws in the way. It will all go away.

And in the meantime, when you are silent, and no one is around, this voice will find you.  Your one, true, tiny and listless Friend. She will comfort you. She will ring true. She will be your one true confider, who will tell you: it won’t be long now. Just keep going.

The world awaits you.

Amen.

*This work is part of a poetry collection Krista has published on Amazon called “Song of the Beloved”.  The First edition is now available on Kindle, but it is continually being updated.

Day 14: I Belong!

This morning I went to a yoga class I hadn’t been to in a while. That’s me, slipping in and out of things – alarming! Seriously, I ask myself, why do I get into things and then back away? I was even tempted to start all over – find another, better class; another, better teacher. But somehow, it all comes back to me. What am I so afraid of? That they won’t like me? That I won’t like them?

Are there really any better “anybodies” out there?…

I took a course last summer that changed my life – the Feminine Power series, with Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit. I learned we women need to belong; we need to feel we are an integral part of something and that our contribution matters.  And our way of stopping that is to over-do and try to please others, while “sabotagingly” (yes, I invent words) neglecting our own needs, wishes, desires. Our own Power.  There are many ways this shows up:  perfectionism, fear of failure, wanting to be loved but pushing other people away ( “reject them first”), working too hard or hiding behind work (“maybe I’ll get promoted and then they’ll like me”); hiding behind other people who know more than we do; pretending to like things we don’t just to fit in; and sacrificing ourselves as a whole.  It doesn’t matter what it is; I saw “me” looking back at myself – backing away from things, from people, from life.  A lot of it, disturbingly, spoke to me.

The solution is obvious but alarmingly overlooked: there is nowhere else and nobody else to go but within my own self, to talk to that troubled girl and help her find her balance again. Her strength. We learned to make power statements that spoke to this deepest part, to stand in the strength of our best internal instincts – our fierce protection of what matters, just as we would protect a child. The part that cries “No!” or “Yes!” without any hesitation at all.  Or my way of saying it:

The Lioness in Us Will Never Lay Down

I Belong. I am an integral part of Life. I have a right to be here. My contribution matters. I matter. I am a unique, perfect and absolutely irreplaceable part of the Universe. I cannot be annihilated or forgotten. I Belong! Damnit!

So, today, as I walked back into that class, I hesitated at the door and said these simple words to myself first: “I Belong.” I breathed in and imaged all the pleasant faces I would encounter, and the energy I would have.  This is what I heard and saw upon entering:  my previous teacher sitting pleasantly with some others in a colourful room brightly lit, cheerful music playing, sunny smiles abounding, and her eyes happily lit:

“KRISTA!!!…. Oooh, Where have you been?!!…..”  (Her hands sweetly hugging her chest)… “We MISSED YOU!!!….”

I will never, never do that again. Assume I don’t belong. Or that they don’t want me.  I was wrong. Beyond wrong – because I missed out on their life, and they missed out on mine. I realized through their eyes, their smiles, how dynamic I was, how much I brought to them.

Whether you know it or not, whether people tell you or not, you are needed in this universe of things. I no longer seek another, better universe to belong to.  I Belong now. I’ll take this one, and – whether it pats me on the back or not – this one is more than happy to take me.

Remember Mr. Percival Singing? I Belong!!

YES!!

Day 12: The Climb

1

.

“Jump off the high dive, woman.”

She looks at him.

No.

Yes.

No.

“OK, have it your way.”

He picks her up and throws her in.

.

2

.

“Jump off the high dive, damnit.”

“NO. I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Yes you will if I have anything to do with it.”

She pauses.

He smiles.

She runs.

He chases her.

She jumps in.

.

3

.

 

 “Go on, you can do it.”

“I know” she says and smiles.

But she doesn’t.

He pauses.

She looks at him.

“Why should I?” she asks.

“What are you waiting for?” he answers.

He waits.

She goes and climbs the first step.

 .

4

.

 

“It’s cold up here.”

“So.”

“I’m hungry. I want to come down now.”

“No.”

“Why?” she asks again.

“Because you don’t want to.”

“OK.”

She goes one step further.

.

5

.

 

“It’s high up here.”

“I know.”

“What should I do now?”

“I can’t hear you…”

She contemplates.

Nobody is there.

She is all alone.

What do I do now?

Keep going.

She doesn’t go.

She tries to come back down,

But something keeps drawing her nearer.

 .

6

.

 

She comes back down and rests.

She does other things to distract herself.

He doesn’t care.

He waits for her.

Then, when she is ready, she asks him again.

“What should I do now? Go again? Do you want me to?”

“Do you?”

“I do. Something is calling me nearer.”
“Then go if you want to. Do it.”

 .

7

.

 

She goes again,

This time she is one step nearer.

Suddenly there is a crowd.

Only a few looking up at her.

She is doing something newer.

They are cheering for her.

This is fun again.

She climbs to the top and takes a peek at all there is to see.

She freaks and comes back down.

They pat her on the back, but she has a frown.

“What’s the matter?” they ask.
“I didn’t do it yet. I pretended to. I didn’t climb the whole way. I didn’t jump off.”
“So. You tried. That is enough.”
“NO. I want to go again.”

“Good. Then go.”

 .

8

.

 

This time there is no one around.

She creeps out into the night.

She climbs the ladder fully and stands at the top.

She sings her song to the mountaintops and the trees.

She is free.

No one is listening

Or so she thinks.

In the morning there are people everywhere,

Crowding her for a time,

Congratulating her on her mountainous climb.

She is dumfounded.

“How did you know?”

“We could hear you.”

.

.

P.S. So, what number are you on?…

Krista Moore’s “The Climb”, written by Krista Moore June 1, 2011, posted on “Krista’s ‘Little Book of Miracles'”.

Day 10: Anxiety and The Chorus of Dreams (Sing!)

I’m not sure what to call it:  this inexplicable feeling of unease, at times wafting through me unawares. I am going about my business, preparing for my daughter’s Brownie graduation, actually sewing (yes, me!) the final badges she’s received onto the veritable Brownie sash on the very last possible night – to be seen for all of 15 minutes in the briefest of ceremonies. (But the kids had fun.)

So what is this wafting sense of alarm as I am riding in the car? Or walking down the street? The birds are singing their usual chorus, I am walking to the beat, while the dog is running straight ahead.  Maybe it’s something like a bad dream that wakes you up in the middle of the most perfect summer night… There is no explaining it. We can try.

But it all comes down to this:  Does it really matter what fear is for? Does it really matter why we are afraid? Why we wake up in alarm, when there is no clear or present danger?  Maybe it is a signal from above, or from below. Maybe it is the carrier of change in the breeze.  The train coming at us, or for us, or the one we are riding on – it is all the same.  Some danger can be avoided; most is just our resistance to what lies ahead. Is it a cliff?  A drop-off point?  Or, the point of no return? Isn’t that…  a good thing?

Sometimes I am grateful for the sound of an alarm bell going off, when I really have to go.  And sometimes, it is best to bang the damn thing off and go back to sleep, lulling in the morning air and that faint and tasty dream; dispelling all rumours of noise and forgotten slings and arrows. It’s time to put our swords down – our impulse to protect and defend everything.  It’s time to Sing.

I find myself singing all the time lately…  Not professionally, though that was extraordinarily fun to sing in front of a live audience (and get paid!).  No, it is just as much fun, beyond fun – downright Joyous ! – to sing out loud in the midst of a chaotic front the world puts on.  All its soldiers lined up, coffee cups stained with resistant defense against the dawn.  No, this is the time to move on.  Move on, my friends, move on.  Join the choir of song that is sounding out loud in the  morning, even if you are still luxuriating in your treetop bed of surprises.  As I lay there, I think of what I am grateful for, even if I still feel a bit of distrust.

To join the day, unaware of what lies ahead, to join Life, not knowing what it or I shall bring, breeds excitement, not danger; is reason for celebration, not anxiety (or a host of other unsightly things). And maybe the pulse that beats in my heart (and in my eardrums) is not one of anxiety, but of Life itself calling me to Sing!

Mr. Percival and Babe sing! by John Frederick White

Sing! my friends, sing!  Though there be clear and present danger all about, Sing! Because the world needs You, Your voice, Your calling, Your sound!

The sound only You can make.

Special Edition: Halley’s Comet Anniversary and Me

Tonight I had an epiphany. Kind of like the night sky and then Whooosh! – a burst of life – the brightest possibility. I was sitting here writing at my dining room table – again. (Yes I do like this, don’t I?) and my husband came in and stood there a minute and said, “This is amazing. Listen….”  I heard my son playing Beethoven’s 5th on the guitar, tweaking for a song we needed for a film we made – his first commission. In the office was our daughter of 8 drawing a picture, also commissioned by her father, for which she was completely engrossed. And I at my table, with the laptop lighting my face, fingers tapping diligently, gleefully, was caught in mid-air.

“We have an amazing family, don’t we?” I said.  “Yes.”

What prompted me to write tonight?  He also told me that tonight is the night on May 14, 1910 that the earth passed through the tail of Halley’s Comet, which only comes around once every 74-75 years.  It came in the 1980s when I didn’t know or care about such things. And it will come again in 2061 when I am hopefully still alive to see it for myself.

‘Haley’ is also the main character in a script I am working on.  And the full  meaning of it is only coming clear as I revisit it tonight, along with this glorious comet. Again and again.

So, this is what I wrote about this project, my epiphany, after he kissed me and went away.  Unplugged.

Like Haley’s Comet, I revisit this theme, occasionally, but it glows bright when I do and then it seems to go out. I’m not sure what gave me the idea for Haley’s Comet, but I know it started with a rock I found in the Mojave desert, and a dream I had about its recovery and that it was special, a piece of Halley’s Comet. I thought I had lost it – but it was returned to me, at a full banquet with family and friends. I was very lucky indeed.  So I guess I know!  Why do we always pretend not to? Why does everything have to be a mystery?

‘They say’ it’s time for a romantic comedy.  ‘They say’ it’s time for Haley’s comet to come again. ‘They say’ that the world will end when it does – it never did.  They say a lot of things. But what say you, my Friend?  Haley. The one who called to me. I was calling myself to me.

Haley is a girl. She is myself. She is a dreamer. She is a well-wisher. She loves her friends, people too. She is shy, beloved, careful and predictable to most, special to a few, diverse, scary sometimes. Bursting forth and out of the blue.  She is miraculous, she adventures, she promises, she stares up at the night sky. She is full of rage and promise and she does not forget anything. She is a star.

Then why is she not up there? Why is she not doing anything that takes notice of who she is? Why do people not see her for what she really is?  Because she doesn’t know it yet. It’s hard to see yourself if you’re trailing for 24 million miles.

What would I like to do with this project, this rock, myself? I would like to tell the truth, only on fire, with passion, with desire, with love, with energy, with excitement, with sorrow and pain, with conviction, with death and dying, with coming back again. I’d like to see anew and have time be well spent. Cathartic, true, lovely, dreamlike, fun, amazing, silly, just the right thing to do.

It is my deepest wish, but ‘grown up’.  To really live. To be a part of – a partner – not separate. To find my true calling, and my partner all in one. The support, the love, the fun. To inspire.

We are free here. I am living the life I dreamed. I have my children, my partner, the creativity as much as I would have it at the time, and now the dream of being a writer fulfilled, right now, in this very moment. I am completely and utterly free. Who can say that? How many people do you know feel that? Know what that is like?  Who can face their grief, their pain and find ecstasy again? Find satisfaction? Happiness, even?  I have found everything. There is no more waiting. I have become the thing I was waiting for. Literally. Profoundly. It is fun to create. It fun to be here. Now.

I Have a Plan

Why are so many women still unhappy?

Are we really so ungrateful for what we have and who we are, or is there some bigger fish to fry?

I feel this state of discontent that is completely un-understandable to most men I know. And when I talk about this state of relentless need or desire for change, most women get it.  How come?  And what do we do about it?

I’ve done the Feminine Power course with some dynamite women, and it seemed like I was looking in the mirror most of the time – most women, even highly accomplished women, feel this dissatisfaction with their current lives, no matter how fulfilling they appear to be.  Some were unhappy for understandable reasons – let’s say they had not yet reached for something they really wanted to do, or they hadn’t found a partner to love and lived their lives alone.  That can be difficult.  But I have already done some things I’m proud of, not all, but some, and I do have a creative partner who wants me to succeed and be happy. So what’s my excuse?  I even have the children I love and always wanted. I have a supportive family mostly and some very good friends. I am not alone.

And yet, most days I awake feeling… what am I doing? What’s next? Where do I come from and where am I going? All these fundamental, proverbial questions that won’t let me be for a moment.  Never satisfied with what I’ve done. There always has to be more. Or different. Or better. It’s never good enough. I’m never good enough. I go back to old habits that keep me comforted while I fritter away the day trying to decide what to do next or what matters to me most.

No. This is not the way. I know this.

My faith lacks faith. And a plan.

I keep relying on wisdom that is unapplied. Meaning I know what to do but don’t do it.  I just know when it’s good. When it seems to be working (ie., I feel happier).

But how do you keep it going? How do you keep moving in this new direction without losing your way and despairing all the time? Especially, especially, when you don’t know where you’re going. You only know it’s sort of like this, it kind of feels like that, it seems to come this way or that.  But there is no ‘connect the dots’. No absolutes. It could all fall apart any minute.

Is this the road to happiness or the road paved with good intentions?

What miracle do I need now to fix my stare on the good, the true and the holy? What miraculous voice within me will steer me and cheer me on without delay? And will NOT go away?

It seems people can be argued with, but our internal self or Voice cannot. It simply quiets, presumably waits for us to stop clambering and climbing the walls.

“Hellooo…. Over here, this way!” Poor soldiers that we are, so determined to make things hard, so entrenched in our old patterns and beliefs.

Shift us, barricade us, blow us out of the water!  Dry us off.  Fasten us to your side waistcoat and never let us go. Guide us, deliver us, champion us. We all want a champion we can believe. Don’t we?

Sometimes it seems I am a child waiting for someone to tell me what to do. To give me an out, a game-plan, a goal, a guarantee.  A rock that will not shift beneath my feet.

Is this possible? Wise? Profitable?

I sure as hell hope so. Cause it’s all I need. Call it a cop-out if you will, but if we knew what to do all this time, wouldn’t we have done it by now? And if we tried to do it and failed and then tried to make it again on our own and failed, maybe there is a better way. Maybe we are not as wise as we had hoped.

Women are strong.  But often our strength lies in recognizing when we need a break, and when we need a hand.  We are used to lending one, but it is harder for us to take one, grasp one hard and fast, and never let go. It is a hard lesson to grasp. But maybe, maybe, it isn’t so bad.

Maybe we haven’t failed, we just failed to understand what we need most of all. Faith not just in ourselves, but in our belief.  That’s what We are here for. To understand for each other when times are tough, to lift each other up. To fasten our hands to those we trust and ask what good can come for all of us.  Nothing makes us happy alone. We haven’t even really tried.  We know it’s useless. But this, this is something new. What can we do with God or the Universe on our side, with Heaven at our feet, with wisdom in our hearts, and people joining hands in the streets?  This all sounds corny but it isn’t. It’s downright true.  It’s what I know, it’s what I believe. It may be embarrassing, it may make me feel like a crazy person sometimes, but there is no other way. Either I have my pride, or I have You.

Call it what you will.

I pick You.