Learning How, and other Hat Tricks

Tonight my daughter was teaching me magic tricks, whilst she was making them up on the fly. Some she knew well and was proud of herself; others, she stopped and hung her head low. “I forget” she said, or “What was I doing that for?….” I knew what she was struggling with: self-confidence in learning something new.  She was so eager to present it all to me “perfectly” (and I did laugh and clap as a good audience would), but she knew she wasn’t there yet. There’s no faking that.

I feel the same way in my journey. I am just learning how to do things I never knew. I thought I knew because I’ve watched others do it. Or pretended to. I’ve read books about it. But when I stand up there, or speak, or sing, or whatever that “thing” is, I pause. Sometimes I will pause mid-sentence, or stop altogether. No, I didn’t want to say it like that. Can we try that again??

Right now I am learning to do video (for my website). I’m used to having a set around me, and others to do all the handiwork. Even when we were doing short films, others had the technical jobs. I just stood where I was told, and said my lines (that part was my responsibility and I delivered them well, I believe).  My job was to  “get out of the way”, and let them do their job. Find a quiet corner to prepare myself and let the rest take care of itself.  Not anymore!

I did my first technical setup the other day. I was quite proud of myself! It wasn’t perfect, I’ll tell you. But I was quite amazed what I could do by myself. I guess I have learned a few things! But the true test comes when I learn how to use it. What I will use it for.  Saying what really matters to me, that I want to share. That is the nail biter! Once it’s there, there’s no turning back. It’s time to go “on”.

Why do I want to try something new at this time? Why not just excel at what I’m already good at? Why not just keep doing commercials, or letting the “other guys” dictate what is going to happen to me instead? Isn’t it easier just to sit on the sidelines and hold my breath?

NO!

I’ve never been one to sit down on a challenge. In school I was the same. Always the overachiever. I couldn’t just sit back and slack off.  I had to know everything I could about what I was doing, and then I had to give it my all. And I did. A little too much, I think! But that pride in doing my best and outshining myself is something I’m used to. I”m not so good at being a beginner.

I know other women who tremble at the thought, when someone suggests that their natural talent at something might blossom into a business. “Who me?” or “Oh, that little thing?”  Such modesty hiding under the covers. I just want to rip them covers off! Pardon the image, folks. But it’s true. There is so much talent just waiting to be unveiled. But you have to say yes, I want to. I’m willing to. I’m going to take the next step.

If other folks believe in you, why can’t you? What is so hard about learning something new? Half the time, we’re already half way there – we’ve already got the talent, some skill, knowledge, will. What else do we need? Just courage. And a little time to sow our seeds.

Get sowing folks! Our field needs rowing. It’s hard work this planting and hoeing.  But oh! What a surprise, when that rich soil produces that tiny sight. We just want to peel over with delight, reach down in wonder at what our hands put asunder, that field of green has blossomed from YOU!

As my daughter walked away tonight, after doing about eight million hat tricks, I told her, “Don’t give up!  Remember, you did all that by yourself, but there are lots more tricks you can learn. You’ll get there! It takes a lot of learning!”  She seemed to take that in, at least I hope she did.

I hope I did, too!

P.S. Tomorrow I will give this video thing a whirl, and see where it goes. Forgive me my mistakes (I don’t have a blueprint), I’m just learning. But I bet it will be great, once I get the trick.  And I will, too!  And so can YOU!

P.P.S.What’s your latest hat trick?  What are you still struggling to get the hang of?  Have you started yet? I’d love to hear  about it below.  🙂

I Can Only Be Me

Today I have had a bit of a day. You know what I mean? I really can’t say I was happy today, and that bothers me. I have been so conscious lately of my effect on the world – meaning my little family, friends, work, what I can perceive as being around me. I don’t even realize all the ripples that go out beyond that!

No, today I feel like I failed at being me. Does that sound crazy, or what?! But it’s true. When you come in contact with your “best me” it is very hard indeed to fallback into the old patterns of “poor me”.  And it is very hard for others when we fail to deliver the best of what we can be.

All of us are human, and thankfully, that includes me. I have to remember that as I am walking uphill with my dog pulling me very hard from in front. Staggering to catch up with myself, grumpy and  mean, sad even.  I don’t need to explain. You know the feeling.

It doesn’t matter “why” we are sad, mad, very angry or even glad. What matters is that we recognize we are HUMAN after all. We are a SPECTRUM of varying colors and patterns. And although I loath to admit that I might be weaved into some undeniable shape or pattern, it seems to be. I fight it, I try to rework it, I struggle and want to tug and pull and tear it to pieces sometimes. But, it’s me. All of it.

Now, what is this pattern/shape/colour?  Is it real. Is it something to get all worked up about? Are our failings so important? Is our bad day really such a big deal? Or is it all surreal… A cloud over a darkened sky – an inconceivable darkness that just won’t seem to go away – all the while knowing that tomorrow is ‘another day’.

I know it is and will be. I have experienced the colours and shapes of my fabric on life, my ‘take’ that varies from day to day. These variations make it all the more obvious to me that I don’t really have a clear picture at all. That my moods and variations are really a seam, a division, a kind of separation.  I don’t see what is behind me or before me, above me or below  me.

I don’t really see.

This is good news!  Like a giant sleeping in the grass, who doesn’t know how big he is until he stands. All he sees is the tiny grass waving in his hands and the dark and scary night.  He has  no idea that he is surrounded by a tiny world in great need of what he brings. His strength, his power, his gentleness.

the unhappy giant

Yes, even a giant can be kind, though he may appear to be quite grumpy to those running beneath his feet.

“Who Knows, Dos, Tres, Quatro…!”

Honest to God, folks, there is NO WAY I can keep up with this trip. I think it is like what Hemingwaysaid:   you can only write about Paris when you are in New York, and you can only write about New York when you are in Paris, or something like that.  So, while I am in California, I am too busy LIVING IT!

But I will not complain. I will endeavour to catch up with myself, which is absolutely impossible, because I am so ALIVE with it right now. (And I confess, I did have one really good cucumber and Tabasco martini served by the incredible Karen Seeley….)

our host Karen Seeley at the Santa Maria Inn

Here is an in-the-moment rendition of my roadtrip today, taken from my notebook:

Went to Self-Realization Fellowship Meditation Garden, at the advice of Claudia who I will tell you about in a separate blog because she deserves it ;).  We were coming from just above San Diego travelling North, hoping to hit just above LA.  In our handy-dandy TomTom GPS, I entered our goal: Ventura, CA. Street: Anywhere….

 

On the way…

steve the morning of

Marine corps practices in the desert, rescue helicopter, hovering above ground the size of a tank.  Several tanks line the ground against the brown dirt, smokey air hanging over clouds.

Mexican music popping, tuba players sounding through the air…

5 N to LA N

Close eyes and feel and smell…

cool still

smokey dusty

mexican fire

& pigs

like cuba

tank trucks going by

yellow

forearms cool

hair whipping behind

my wrap against

the back of  my head

rumbling under the car wheels

“Spanish polka!” steve says

slapping his thigh

rolling by…

hazy sage green

ocean hanging

under cloud.

a hawk finding

prey & freed soar

up ahead.

“yo amigo”

San Diego goodbye, though we never met

met your blood (Claudia)

and grew warmer.

“Adios”, he said.

“Hasta luego!” I called back.

“Vaya con Dios” she said.

I will. Thank You God.

I Am.

Where to stop?

1. Ventura? Coastal. Lots of swanky shops. Gorgeous. Nah, let’s keep going.

2. Monecito? hills, hidden little spanish villas in lushly lined laneways.. Nah, we need a wireless connection. Nearest? McDonald’s.

3. Santa Barbara! Aha! a bit rougher than New Orlean’s. lush but run down, busy coastal waterfront, hidden dusty alleyways, with junkyards. No thanks. What?? No McDonald’s?? Outta here.

4. Funny little Goleta. Maybe… no…. maybe. Energy too stagnant. Not enough going on. Not even still in a good way. Just small. ON we go.

5, 6, 7?  Found McDonald’s wireless pod.. Aaaah..  Barefoot into the bathroom, run back to the car. Top down. Found a place: How about:

Santa Maria… a little place just north east of here. Close to Luis Obisbo.  Close your eyes. Throw a dart. Santa Maria Historic Inn for 89.

YES!

We are at the AMAZING Santa Maria Historic Inn at… you guessed it, Santa Maria, CA.  This is what happens when you let go of  “the plan” and just ARRIVE….

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Highway road into the hills and ranches of Central Californ-I-A.  Wineries on a hilltop. Horses grazing nearby. The POP of life going on inside the car.

Life breezing by.

Here’s me in the car. Who needs sunglasses and a floppy hat in the side country.

Let the Woman Drive.

Day Who Knows….  We drive the coast. Steve takes me into the not-so-foothills of the Pacific Highway 1, rounding about and entering into tree-lined lanes that smell like Eucalyptus.  We stop at Morro Bay and take in the big rock, the clam chowder and the sea salty air. The air is damp and hovers, not hot, for most of the ride, leaving a film on your hair. Until you reach the desert stretches and true foothills of mid-CA…

We stop at Harmony for a wine tour, population 18, the red Zinfadel peppery and great; the white not so much but the label says it all.

By the time we tire, we are just below San Fran, and  make it only as far as Monterrey.  Gambling with Priceline, we find a Marriott at half price, and get upgraded with kindness to an Executive suite. Perfect.

Why plan when you can just Land?

Self-realization fellowship meditation garden (ie., zen wahoo!)

Here is the actual quote, though different than I remember:

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.
Ernest Hemingway

I imagine it is the same with California.

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

Day 28: Grace Gave Me Goosebumps

My friend Stacey’s comment today about Day 27  giving her “goosebumps” created a moment of Grace for both of us. I felt them too!  Thank you, Stacey.  And ah, Grace, You are always so good to me...

For the past several years I have been working on a project that I thought would never end. My creative partner and I were both tired, weary and confused as to how we would ever pull it off.  But we both knew it was worth it.  No matter how much I complained or avoided, my sense of responsibility to something greater than my bad attitude, prevailed.

I am now sitting on the precipice of something wonderful. I can just feel it. No more doubts hinder my ability to see what is worthy, what is good. I can feel the importance of what I am doing.  I seem self-motivated, or perhaps held up by something stronger than my own will.  The idea that what I am doing is ‘shared’ and not just my own is critical. It’s for everybody. It’s beyond egos and tidal waves. It’s pure. It’s a miracle.

Grace got us here.

I can’t tell you yet, but I will soon. I will require your support, and we will love your responses.

As my ’30 days of miracles’ comes to a close, I hope you will join me for my next adventure.  I somehow know you will! 

I can’t wait to keep growing, expanding, connecting, giving, rising up and discovering what I was born to do.

May Grace give you goosebumps, too!

Amen!

Day 22: The Daily Commitment Contract

OK, so here’s where “the rubber meets the road”. A few weeks ago, I wrote about my Commitment. It was a real declaration. But how much am I really doing? How can I measure  if I am meeting my commitments, and how can I make myself more accountable? It’s all about personal integrity. But it doesn’t hurt to have a public check-in!

I’m not just talking about things I “have to do”, but things I need to do. Things that will change my life for the better (and maybe other people’s too). So, I am going to share this list with you so I can demonstrate and practice my own commitment, and hopefully inspire you too.

Here it is, my daily commitment contract (this does not include all the other things I have to do in a given day like raising kids, business tasks, house/home, putting out fires, helping friends, building new frontiers).

My Daily Commitment Contract*

1. DAILY SPIRITUAL PRACTICE – Morning meditation and workout upon waking (about 6:30-7:00) before anything else where possible.

2. DAILY WRITING – Daily blog for 30 Days of Miracles; plus daily script-writing for film project over the next 30 nights… with a goal of completing a working draft this summer.

3. RELATIONSHIP – Daily time exploring our relationship dynamic, deepening and having more fun together, with at least 1/2 hour a night of uninterrupted time together sans TV and kids!

RULE:  NO Facebook, Twitter, email, TV (distractions) until I have done my morning work FIRST.  Same goes for the evening round. This is the hardest part!

“Commitment to Self/Core; commitment to Creative Expression; Commitment to Relationship. Then Everything Else!”

Well, that’s it folks. For now. I will be posting updates here and on Facebook (once my commitments are met, of course).  Hold me accountable, ask me how it’s going!  (Any good contract requires witnesses.) And that’s what we can do for each other.

So, what’s on your list?…

Love,

Krista

* This contract is subject to change without notice. Just kidding. However, we can be flexible 😉

Day 19: Gratitude, My Tiny Listless Friend

beloved*

This is what came to me while silencing the creeping need to fret away the time…  a moment of grace in a busy day.

GRATITUDE

I am exposed

Half  hairs showing

Fingernails too long

Guff and scarred

But still growing

I am not a mystic warrior

With supporters beckoning from behind

I need to assert myself

Delve in

Not mistake countenance

for sustenance

 Not for a moment forsake

The purpose I am here.

 I need to keep going

Offering up

Hands bent back and afraid

– And  yet –

The frightened stares of my intellect

Are no match

For my tiny, listless Friend.

Why is this called gratitude? It occurred to me too. A little strange, but somehow true. All that chaotic intellect shining and getting in the way; all the competing voices yelling this way – no, that-a-way! All the uncertainties with puffed chest standing in the way…

And yet, this voice comes. This voice that tells you no, not that way.  You are here for a reason. All this will go away. Keep writing. Keep going, though your neck be too long, or your will not that strong. Keep fighting past the insecurities that time throws in the way. It will all go away.

And in the meantime, when you are silent, and no one is around, this voice will find you.  Your one, true, tiny and listless Friend. She will comfort you. She will ring true. She will be your one true confider, who will tell you: it won’t be long now. Just keep going.

The world awaits you.

Amen.

*This work is part of a poetry collection Krista has published on Amazon called “Song of the Beloved”.  The First edition is now available on Kindle, but it is continually being updated.

Day 18: Intimidated

Today I feel intimidated. I am afraid to write this post!  I am embarrassed that someone will read it, which they probably will! So I told my son who is a musician and can understand this kind of fear, and he said:

“Write like no one will read it. You can always worry about it later.”

Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?

Last night I was wildly embarrassed about my post and deleted it on Facebook (you can read it here if you want – I am committed and it remains Day 17).  I suddenly felt more aware that people are watching, reading my work. I was becoming afraid of my audience! This is not good!

What do I do about that? I have learned soooooo  many ways to deal with that feeling of Intimidation. There is no one (at least not openly) judging me, certainly not as harshly as I judge myself. And a lot of folks have been quite nice. I just didn’t want to have to go through it, this feeling. AGAIN! Why can’t I get this right? After all, I am well-trained, highly evolved! I should know better, Damnit!

But, here I am. Embarrassed. Intimidated.

But wait – why is my life so amazing? Isn’t that what this blog is for?  Yes, it is. I have no excuses. My crybaby worries won’t work anymore. I’m not getting out of this.

Nor could I get out of my audition today: the things I had to do to prepare; the nice man I was supposed to audition with but had to go in with someone else instead; the courage I felt in doing my best despite awkward glances; the compassion I showed myself by saying “thank you very much”, and patting myself on the back, even if I hadn’t really “nailed” it.  Despite all of that, and the dusty hot streets I encountered as I walked to the car…  I felt good.

I wasn’t afraid anymore. Not because my source of discomfort was gone, but because it didn’t really matter anymore. I was there for a time: I connected, I shared, I laughed, I sighed. And now it was time to move on.

I am still here and my whole life as well.

At least I am not intimidated by her anymore, that little girl inside myself. I have come to love her qualities, the different temperatures and landscapes of her inner world; I am beginning to see them as passing mist, nothing to get too worked up about. And sometimes, to even cherish awhile.

When I got home, there was a pool to put up, kids to feed, a dog freshly groomed and running about. Happiness filled the moist, grassy air…

It was heaven on earth.

Oh, what was I so worried about?

P.S. I can’t say I followed my son’s advice to the rule, or that I “nailed” my post either, but at least I did it.  And so, I  continue another day. Amen.

Day 17: Why I am Here, Part I

This is a bold statement, I realize. I was going to begin with a question: “Why am I here?” But perhaps I have learned something already. Perhaps pretending to be real, pretending to know or not to know, isn’t the answer. Perhaps guessing is. Take a stab at it! If it ain’t the truth, it won’t ring true. But if you don’t try, what’s the point? You might as well Say… WHY.

The colours of my life are wonderful right now. I am riding on a wave of destiny. Who knows where, but that was last night. The where doesn’t concern me now; It’s the WHY.

WHY WHY WHY

I am here to grab you.

I don’t know why.

My defenses are slack.

My reason is why.

I have no excuses

No alarm bells to set off 

No delay tactics

No seductive tamperings

I cannot lie

Tell me why?

I am here to find out

Shout it out

From the rooftops of the sky

You don’t have to know WHY

Just do it, whatever calls to you,

Wails to you from the open sky

Do it

From your shy

ill-prepared mind.

I don’t know why. I really don’t.

But sometimes I feel it… I feel it when I hear it, when I know it, when I see it. I feel it when I dream it. I feel it when I rise up in the morning and something has shifted and I don’t know why. (Sometimes those are the best days… when I don’t know why.)

Some sorry-assed ‘Coordinator in the sky’  is trying His very, very best, handling me with great care; but nonetheless, he droops a little because… “I just don’t get it.” 

But this day – this moment, I silently “get it”, I silently try. I silently am ready to lift my hands to the sky and say YES! I will try. (I will try not to complain). Yes! I will try not to control everything! I will try not to predict the WHYs and WHEREFOREs of my very BEING.

 

I just get to Rise. I will rise to the occasion of “I don’t know WHY”

Because something in me is cooking; something in me is beckoning, rising above the quaketops of my reason, the broadband of my reasoning; above the delay in the response, the trickles of light fever, the “sorry, I don’t get this, can you please repeat?”, the “Please, please tell me… WHY????”

Something in me doesn’t give a F— and just wants to Give IT. Deliver IT. Be IT. Quake NOT at the NOTHINGNESS of it all: The matter of  IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY; the quiet, timid reflections that make-us-feel-better-for-a-time-until-the-next-question-arises: That Next Heart-Stopping, Earth-shattering, Eye-Popping

WHY 

But, as Shania says… (and I’m sorry about this, really):

WHY NOT?

Day 15: Haley Sings to the Mountaintops

Tonight one of my guilty pleasures was watching Shania Twain recover her voice in her show, “Why Not? with Shania Twain” on OWN.  It reminded me of my own transition, from when I felt on top of the world, to feeling I had lost everything. I felt so humiliated, so scared, the last thing I wanted to do was admit it to a close personal friend (let alone the world). I didn’t know how to rebuild who I thought I was (my ego) with who I was now (my home). I couldn’t reconcile my dreams with what I had become. It felt like an impossible compromise.  I was paralyzed.

Until I found my voice: Uncertain, strong, uncompromising; softly at first it rose, in the middle of the night. Out of the treetops it seemed to sing; quietly it whispered in my sleep, or wildly it cried in vain. But it rose just the same…

I wrote it all down. Every last detail, feeling, thought. I never shared with anyone, always alone. My private sanctuary from the world. Then it changed: only a few were allowed to hear, my private cries or my wild hidden voice that would spring out onto the page, sometimes delightful and poetic, sometimes irreverent and funny. It gave others pleasure to hear my voice or read my words and many encouraged me. This was a whole new world to me. My private sanctuary was crumbling.

Now, as I listen to those who write back to me, I am dumbfounded. I can hardly believe that anyone is listening, or that my words carry a piece of their heart as well. That our collective “song” rings true.

Sometimes I am an eagle, soaring high. I don’t care what other people think. I look down on the landscape and feel the wind in the trees, and I float easily over all, effortlessly. Something carries me. And the song just comes with it, effortlessly. Other times I am the sparrow, easily broken by ambiguous or harsh testimony.  I am human.

Haley is my song, the script I am working on at the moment.  I hope it comes as easily as my mountaintop expressions, spontaneously sung to the wind. But sometimes it doesn’t.  It needs a little more care than that. A little more structure. I am not used to the accountability of sharing. I am learning.

Shania will recover her voice – there’s no question. It’s scripted that way. But our story remains.

Some are broken by life; others will find their voice again. Whatever your broken-winged voice can’t say…  please, sing it anyway.

Day 14: I Belong!

This morning I went to a yoga class I hadn’t been to in a while. That’s me, slipping in and out of things – alarming! Seriously, I ask myself, why do I get into things and then back away? I was even tempted to start all over – find another, better class; another, better teacher. But somehow, it all comes back to me. What am I so afraid of? That they won’t like me? That I won’t like them?

Are there really any better “anybodies” out there?…

I took a course last summer that changed my life – the Feminine Power series, with Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit. I learned we women need to belong; we need to feel we are an integral part of something and that our contribution matters.  And our way of stopping that is to over-do and try to please others, while “sabotagingly” (yes, I invent words) neglecting our own needs, wishes, desires. Our own Power.  There are many ways this shows up:  perfectionism, fear of failure, wanting to be loved but pushing other people away ( “reject them first”), working too hard or hiding behind work (“maybe I’ll get promoted and then they’ll like me”); hiding behind other people who know more than we do; pretending to like things we don’t just to fit in; and sacrificing ourselves as a whole.  It doesn’t matter what it is; I saw “me” looking back at myself – backing away from things, from people, from life.  A lot of it, disturbingly, spoke to me.

The solution is obvious but alarmingly overlooked: there is nowhere else and nobody else to go but within my own self, to talk to that troubled girl and help her find her balance again. Her strength. We learned to make power statements that spoke to this deepest part, to stand in the strength of our best internal instincts – our fierce protection of what matters, just as we would protect a child. The part that cries “No!” or “Yes!” without any hesitation at all.  Or my way of saying it:

The Lioness in Us Will Never Lay Down

I Belong. I am an integral part of Life. I have a right to be here. My contribution matters. I matter. I am a unique, perfect and absolutely irreplaceable part of the Universe. I cannot be annihilated or forgotten. I Belong! Damnit!

So, today, as I walked back into that class, I hesitated at the door and said these simple words to myself first: “I Belong.” I breathed in and imaged all the pleasant faces I would encounter, and the energy I would have.  This is what I heard and saw upon entering:  my previous teacher sitting pleasantly with some others in a colourful room brightly lit, cheerful music playing, sunny smiles abounding, and her eyes happily lit:

“KRISTA!!!…. Oooh, Where have you been?!!…..”  (Her hands sweetly hugging her chest)… “We MISSED YOU!!!….”

I will never, never do that again. Assume I don’t belong. Or that they don’t want me.  I was wrong. Beyond wrong – because I missed out on their life, and they missed out on mine. I realized through their eyes, their smiles, how dynamic I was, how much I brought to them.

Whether you know it or not, whether people tell you or not, you are needed in this universe of things. I no longer seek another, better universe to belong to.  I Belong now. I’ll take this one, and – whether it pats me on the back or not – this one is more than happy to take me.

Remember Mr. Percival Singing? I Belong!!

YES!!